When depression hits — {totally not crafty}
By Veronique Christensen — Monday, October 26th, 2009
So. This isn’t something I usually write or talk about here, but depression has been an on-and-off companion of mine for a very, very long time and we’ve recently hooked up again. Naturally, I’m not to pleased about it. Depression can take over every single thing in your life, sapping it of even the simplest pleasures. Yesterday, we went pumpkin picking. It was a beautiful day on the North Fork of Long Island. The kids had fun. I think. I just coasted through it, glad for new prescriptions that I know/hope will eventually kick in. When we got home, I crawled into bed and slept the afternoon away, thankful that Tomas was here, and that the kids were all happy and hopefully unaware of my unusual absence.
Why am I writing this here? Now? Well, it’s because it occurred to me that people reading this blog (some of you for three full years now, thank you) might have this idea that my life is always about having fun, being fun. This blog is that way for a reason. I started it with a very clear idea that I would write about kids crafts and fun stuff to do, my chronic bouts with depression don’t exactly fit in with the image I’ve created here, so I’ve kept the two in silos on purpose. I plan to keep this little site growing for a long time to come, but it feels somewhat disingenuous not to share a bit of what’s behind the curtain.
The good news is I’m getting help. Tomas made sure of that this week.
One thing that came up during my first session, and I know intellectually that this is early on and not a definitive diagnosis, is that there is a possibility that what’s wrong with me, what’s been wrong with me for a long time now, is post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In a sick way I was kind of relieved by my therapist’s assessment that this was a possibility as I’d walked in convinced I was bipolar, just without the manic part — though I will admit to getting pretty darned excited if you ever get me talking about my family, blog, or craft book collection.
The great and not-so-great thing about the web is that you can research just about everything under the sun, so the first thing I did when I got home was to look up PTSD. If what I read is true, then all these years of feeling stupid, like I just couldn’t grasp and retain things the way everyone else did? Well, it turns out that maybe I can’t. I come from a family of highly intelligent and educated peeps. They are all scary smart. Me? I get things quickly, but basically have to re-learn certain tasks every singe time I do them. It is exhausting. For example? We have a pressure cooker that scares me because there’s always this anticipation that it might just explode. I have used it maybe 10 times in the last month because I love the results and I love the fact that I can have a meal that feels slow-cooked, whipped up and on the table in about thirty minutes. I have had to re-learn how to use it each and every time I’ve taken the damned thing out. I’ve been told that it takes doing something over twenty times for it to become habit, so maybe all I need is a second month of meals with the thing for it not to be an issue. I really don’t know.
So, this is me. Where I’m at right now. Struggling with wanting to crawl into bed under a pile of duvets, or wallowing in a heap on the floor with a box of tissues. I’m planning to continue to post crafty stuff here, either what we are up to, or wonderful things I find online (there is so much to marvel at, isn’t there?). If I overdo it with the smiley faces and exclamation points, please bear with me. I’m going with the smile-and-you’ll-get better approach. That, and therapy, and sleep, and meds.
Thank you for posting this Vero.
I have been in the same situation, having had PTSD following a sustained period of family and health dramas. Three things have helped me enormously: when things are really bad, taking a herbal sleep tablet like st johns wort at night short term, so that I get a properly restful sleep and can wake up refreshed instead of groggy and down. Long term, reading about eating low GI foods that maintain your blood sugar and finally exercise in any shape or form. From my experience therapy is a fantastic way to understand what is happening to you and how to get through but please think seriously about being on SSRI medication as my experience is that it can do more harm than good (Whatever conclusion you come to do not stop taking it suddenly, just gradually reduce dosage over weeks as reccommended by your Dr). Good Luck
Vero, I always thought it is very brave for people to talk about “what is behind the curtain” — and I admire you greatly for your courage! I am sure you give others similar courage, both by the creative and full life you lead, and by the honest one you write about here.
Only good things can come of honest sharing. Thanks for taking that leap of faith. Your readers and friends will empathize, and provide support and encouragement if you want it! I too know how it feels to…
I’m so glad for you that you are using this as an outlet. The worst part of being depressed is thinking you are somehow broken because no one else ever feels that way. SO MANY PEOPLE struggle with depression. I think it will be therapeutic for you to get it out there and will probably help more people than you think just by showing them that someone else out there *gets it*.
I had major PPD after my kids were born and it never even occurred to me that *THAT* was what my problem was until the fog lifted literally YEARS later. I wish I knew people putting it out there then!
xoxo
I’m working with Tomas. I like your website, it’s a lot of fun. I like how it contains so many parts of what your family has to offer. I think being willing to step into the honesty of your depression is courageous and human and awesome, and contagious. We all have curtains of one sort another and I appreciate your invitation…
My father wrestled his demons for 83 years, and he often returned to a poem from A.A. Milne:
…and sometimes when the fight begins
I think I’ll let the Dragons win
but then again, perhaps I won’t,
because they’re Dragons, and I don’t…
Best regards,
Jelly
[...] All your emails, comments here and on Facebook, and notes through Twitter were overwhelming to me and oh-so-appreciated after my post yesterday. [...]
Thank you All for your kind words and thoughts. They do help.
I can relate with your story 100%, only 30 years ago. The treatment back then was not so sophisticated, but fortunately I have been stable for a long time. But you telling about crawling into bed when everything around you is just right and you cannot enjoy or even tolerate it resonated with me. Thanks for your candor.
I appreciate your post so much. On the web it is easy to project a one-dimensional image of one’s self, and I applaud your candor in revealing more. For those of us who also struggle with depression, it is comforting to feel like we have a community and to know that despite it all we can still create beautiful things!
Thank you for a heartfelt post. Good luck as you move ahead and lots of {hugs}.
[...] posted recently about a huge dip I’d been going through and received a ton of positive responses. Here, by email, on Facebook, [...]
Dear Veronique,
What a wonderful and amazing thing you have done by posting so honestly about your battle with depression as you still continue, every day to fill the world with beauty, humor and love. It just pours out of your website. I am new to Little Elephants and have marveled at it. To read this more somber post was a surprise but it only illuminates just how strong you really are.
Use your struggle to deepen your heart towards others, to love with mercy and compassion and please continue to celebrate life, love and family, as you already do so brilliantly on your website. I look forward to more food, fun and crafts from you in the coming year!
Much Love,
Connie Pappalardo
UNIS class 74